| Joke 1 |
| Yo momma is so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil. |
| Joke 2 |
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A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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| Joke 3 |
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How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?Only one, but it takes the whole casualty department to get it out ...
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| Joke 4 |
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A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
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| Joke 5 |
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Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
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| Joke 6 |
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A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "... 13 ... 13 ... 13 ..."The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned "... 14 ... 14 ... 14 ..."
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| Joke 7 |
| Unix *is* user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are. |
| Joke 8 |
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A man is having problems with his Johnson which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
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| Joke 9 |
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Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
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| Joke 10 |
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One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said: "What is that?""'They're smart pills," said the other boy "Eat them and they'll make you smarter."So he ate them and said: "These taste like shit.""See," said the other boy, "you're already getting smarter."
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